How To Deal With Rejection: A New Perspective

published July 31, 2018

I think it’s safe to say that there isn’t anyone who has never dealt with rejection in the dating scene before. We’ve all dealt with it in one way or another.

It’s no fun. I’ve helped plenty of friends through it and have dealt with it myself on both ends many times. Either way, it sucks. I’ve handled it the right way and I sure as hell have handled it the wrong way many more times. But I’ve learned so much from all of it.

I’m not going to claim my expertise on the subject, but I’ve gained some valuable insights over the years from many different experiences and things generally tend to work out in my favor now.

If you’re actively dating, rejection is inevitable. If you aren’t getting rejected, you aren’t trying. You have to put yourself out there and go through the numbers if you seriously want to find somebody who’s attractive and compatible with you.

The problem is, when you find somebody who you think is attractive and you’re compatible with, but they wind up not feeling the same, or change their mind. This often leads to them backing off and many people go into a panic when dealing with it.

I used to do this too, but then I had a change of perspective.

THE FACTS

According to the National Center for Health Statistics, nearly 80% of all divorces are initiated by women. Since there aren’t any data points to show similar information for the dating scene, we can only assume the rates are about the same, if not higher, due to the lower level of commitment.

To me, this makes total sense.

Women typically expect the man they’re dating to lead or “take charge”. This carries over into relationships and marriages as well. But even right from the start, men are expected to lead. A guy can’t expect a girl to come up to him and ask him out. I know it’s happened before, but it’s an unusual occurrence. That risk is normally placed on the man.

So what can we take from this?

Just because a man is expected to lead doesn’t automatically indicate that he will be an effective leader. So, according to the statistics, many men fail in their leadership role and are the main ones at the receiving end of rejections because of this. And just like their lack of leadership, many also lack the ability to handle rejection beneficially.

So, this will be more directed towards men, but if you are a woman reading this, you can still apply the same principles and have it work just as well. You may learn something new about yourself and I bet that you’ll even agree with me!

Plus, what woman doesn’t want better prospects when it comes to finding a man?

THE TYPICAL SITUATION

Normally, when a guy feels like the girl he’s been seeing is starting to become a little cold, he feels like he needs to do something in order to “reignite the spark”, so to say. Men are used to taking action and pursuing a goal when they see something is wrong or needs improvement, which is a reasonable assumption. But that method that doesn’t necessarily apply here.

Because most guys don’t realize that a woman’s feelings develop much slower than a man’s, men will often try to force things. So, the guy will unintentionally over-pursue and push the girl away even further. And his solution? Pursue even harder. He’s thinking “more action, more results”.

It winds up being a desperate attempt and normally turns women off. Most women have a keen sense that can tell when you’re not comfortable and coming from a place of weakness.

I’ve heard of some straight-up cringeworthy stuff. From blowing up her phone, to buying her things, sob posts on social media, and expressing his ever-dying love. It all comes off as inauthentic, manipulative, and weak. Women don’t like to see you come unglued like that. It’s not attractive and they don’t feel sorry for you.

When the deal is sealed and he finally gets that there’s no chance, he tries to victimize himself. He’ll develop animosity toward her. He may lash out at her in some way or talk bad about her to other people, ultimately burning the bridge.

A lot of the times, his friends will chime in (girls do this crap too):

  • “Man, that girl is stupid! She doesn’t know what she’s missing!”
  • “She was crazy anyway.”
  • “There’s plenty of fish in the sea, bro. She’s not that big of a deal.”

Sure, you can appreciate your friends’ attempts at making you feel better. It may even take it down a notch or two. But what are we accomplishing by ignoring the truth of the matter?

THE TRUTH

The truth is, a guy doesn’t invest his time, effort, money, and affection into a girl who doesn’t meet his standards (a girl he’s not attracted to). You let yourself become vulnerable to this girl and she noticed a chink in your armor, something that was not good enough, and she couldn’t accept it. She probably won’t tell you where or what it is. She may not even know, but it’s there.

Women don’t like to reject you. They were hoping just as much as you were that things would work out. It’s an uncomfortable situation for them to deal with, so they often are very indirect about it. Regardless of how cold of a method she used to get the message across to you (even though she probably dropped some hints before that) or how long you two had been seeing each other, it still doesn’t give you any reason to react emotionally like I mentioned above.

One staple trait of masculinity is the ability to control one’s emotions. When you react that way, you’re just reassuring her that she made the right decision. Understand this:

  • Attraction is a force of nature. It is a biological instinct and we have no control over its presence.

When rejection happens, you can’t blame her for the way that you make her feel. She can’t help it.

A NEW PERSPECTIVE

Every woman that you have a romantic encounter with is offering you an opportunity for growth. She’s not doing it on purpose, but just hear me out. When things don’t work out and we weren’t the ones to initiate it, we experience pain. Pain is an indicator of change. It’s up to us to determine whether that change is growth or not. She may have hurt you, but she also did you a favor.

See, feminine energy is always testing masculine energy for its legitimacy. She needs to know that you’re for real and she can depend on you and trust you. She needs to be able to open up to you and she’s not going to do that for just anybody. Feminine energy looks for safety and comfort in masculine energy.

For example, let’s take a bowl of water. The bowl is masculine energy and the water is feminine energy. If the bowl has a hole in it, the water is going to find it and pour right through it, exposing the hole. That hole is always going to give you problems until you fix it.

If you’re getting upset and placing the blame on something or someone other than yourself, instead of improving yourself and what you have to offer, you aren’t repairing these holes. If you deny that anything even needs to be improved, then you are definitely not repairing these holes. Until you do, every single girl you date is eventually going to find that hole and tell you “No, thanks.” It’s completely up to you to get the point and take responsibility for it.

Every new girl that comes into your life may show you a different hole. It may turn out to be something you don’t want to compromise on and you may realize she’s just not the girl for you. For example, let’s say you like to go to the gym and she doesn’t. She may try to pull you away from the gym so she can spend more time with you, but you aren’t willing to give that up.

This is why it’s important to have the attitude of, “Let’s just see where this goes,” instead of trying to force things.

It’s important to know that women tend to communicate implicitly and they’re naturally better at nonverbal communication, overall. She will give you subtle hints and let you know whether she wants you to do something or not. Because you are supposed to be the leader, she will reciprocate to your advances when she gives you the hints to make them. When she’s ready to take the relationship to the next level, she will let you know. Because of this, women usually determine the pace of the relationship, but men take the initiative to advance it. The man drops on one knee to propose, not the woman.

WHAT TO DO

“If you meet someone whose soul is not aligned with yours, send them love and move along.” –Dr. Wayne Dyer

If she calls it off, be glad that she was confident enough to do it and that she isn’t going to be wasting anymore of your time. If someone shows you that they don’t value the gift of your time and attention, then give them the gift of your absence. You want to spend your time only with people who value you and she’s giving you an opportunity to do that. Women will come and go as they please, and you have to let them. Don’t take it personally.

If she ditches you for another guy, thinking that he may be better, then she lacks integrity. Don’t count that as a loss.

If you made a mistake that she’s not willing to forgive you for, ultimately denying you and herself any shot of redemption and improvement, then that’s her problem, not yours. Not everyone is going to be willing to see where your heart truly is. If this is the case, then improve anyway, so the next woman can reap the benefits.

Wish her the best, tell her to contact you if she changes her mind, and walk away. Don’t call her. Don’t text her. And for God’s sake, don’t try to friend-zone yourself back into a dating role. That’s a pathetic move that never works and is only settling for less than what you want. The only time it is appropriate for you to text her is if she directly reaches out to you. Not if she likes one of your photos on social media. Not if she got a mutual friend to tell you “Hi”. No exceptions.

In order for things to be given a second chance, it has to be her idea because it was her idea to end it. You never know, in the future she could think to herself “He really wasn’t that bad. I wonder if he’s still available.” And she may reach out to you.

By then, you’ve had time to think things through and you can decide whether you want to give it another shot or not. It does happen. I’ve had girls call me MONTHS after we stopped talking. We tend to look at the past through rose-colored glasses and time is the special ingredient that causes our emotions to develop or heal over.

Even if she’s been seeing another guy when she reaches out to you, you have to let her see him. If you aren’t in a relationship, it’s none of your business anyway. Don’t let her string you along, but what’s to stop you from seeing other girls if the two of you are not in a relationship? The two of you haven’t officially agreed on exclusivity. The other guy may ruin it, and if you’re doing everything right, she will realize you’re the better option and will drop him. OR, you may find a girl who’s even better.

If you think she’s really all that and you’ve been kicking ass at developing yourself, then you’ve both been given a rare second chance at something better.

When she reaches out to you, set up a date and act like nothing ever happened. Focus on having fun and be natural. Don’t bring up the past. Don’t bring up any relationship labels or anything. If that’s something she wants to talk about, she’ll bring it up when she’s ready. Keep the conversation light.

CONCLUSION

The sooner we stop seeing ourselves as victims, and start taking responsibility for our dating choices, and the pain and suffering resulting from those choices, the sooner we allow ourselves to be open to a healthy relationship.

When rejection happens to you, be mature about it. Don’t burn your bridges. Don’t come unglued. Other people, especially other women you could potentially date, may hear about it. So, handle it like an experienced man, a gentleman.

Women can teach you a lot about yourself. You just have to be able to see past your emotions and develop a willingness to learn from and correct your mistakes. Be grateful for that. Even if it doesn’t work out, don’t be bitter. Appreciate those moments you had with her because of what they taught you. The moments and emotions you shared were real and did mean something at that time. In the end, if it makes you a better man, how could you regret it?

Every woman it doesn’t work out with can be a stepping stone in preparation for the next woman you meet. This can happen until you reach one that completely rocks your world. It’s up to you to determine whether you’ll be ready to give her the best version of yourself that you’ve ever offered. Don’t let her, or more importantly, yourself, down.